Looney tune: I've commented before on "Zack S." and his terribly unfunny column at Silver Bullet Comic Books. Lately his shtick has been fictitious interviews with comics creators. But this week, Mr. S. turns his attention to what ails the comics industry. Oh, how I long for the days of bad, made-up Q&A's. Here are some of the highlights:

"Diamond Distributors, the Halliburton of the comic industry, puts out the Market Shares for comics every month. Why did I just call them the Halliburton of the comic industry, you ask? For a couple reasons: they pretty much run the whole damn show here in comic Iraq, and trying to get a straight answer regarding money from them is like trying to get rednecks to stop breeding, it ain’t going to happen. Okay it’s not just Diamond that hides the numbers, the publishers don’t make any effort either. So, here’s the main question we got to ask, how the hell are we suppose to believe you? Every week thousands of fans fork over a good chunk of money, the industry claims to be poor, and at the end of every month they put out a guess as to what they’re making. This makes sense how? Oh, that’s right, it doesn’t."

"Okay, number five on this list is Tokyopop, I’m going to try to hold back my laughter long enough to get through this. I’ve got a news flash people, Manga is not the solution to breaking free of the super-hero mold. Not as many people as you think take Manga seriously. Think about it, why should they? The dialogue is usually garbage, the art all looks the same, and the cookie cutter stories are just plain retarded."

"Now we have to look at the top selling comics. Remember, I’m doing this to help you. I’m not trying to make you look like the lying sack of shit you are, I’m merely opening your tired little eyes to the truth. I figure there’s plenty of people out there telling you all this shit, but why listen to them, they’re all on the inside."

"Two X-Men books, two greedy attempts to cash in on older stories, one book with two of the biggest characters in all of super-hero land, and one book by one of the richest writers in the industry. Damn, could you imagine if comic book fans were in charge of the civil rights movements? 'Equal rights for all! Black and Whites can live together, we’re all human! Hey, is that nigger drinking out of my water fountain?' Lazy ass hypocrites."

"Oh yeah, you know those Graphic Novels everyone’s always talking about? The books that are going to save the industry. They’re in bookstores, more people are inclined to buy them, more diversity, blah blah. The number one selling GN in the month of February, New X-Men Vol. 6. You’re just sucking the fat cock of hypocrisy all the way back to your childhood fantasies, aren’t you?"

I'm guessing since the pale "You'll All Be Sorry" imitation didn't set the world on fire, Mr. S. is going for the scattershot Let's Try to Piss Everyone Off approach. Good luck with that.