March Madness, part ... eh, whatever: Marvel releases its March solicitations. For some reason, I'm thinking there's a "Spider-Man" movie sequel coming up ...

Ultimate Spider-Man #54-55: The first two installments of a five-part(?) "Spider-Man: The Movie" story arc, guest starring (brace yourselves) Sam Raimi, Toby Maguire and Avi Arad: "A major movie studio is making an unauthorized summer blockbuster about Spider-Man, and the Ultimate wall-crawler swings by the set to give the producers a piece of his mind."

What's next, Impossible Man pops into the Marvel offices for 22 pages of mischief, guest-starring Stan Lee and the rest of the Marvel Bullpen?

The Pulse #2: Oh, look. It's Spider-Man.

Venom #12: Hey, it's Spider-Man. Again.

Marvel Age: Spider-Man #1: In what can only be described as grave-robbing, Marvel digs up old stories and gives them new dialogue. No, it's not an "Ultimate" title; it's worse:

"Plot by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko, script by Daniel Quantz, cover and pencils by Mark Brooks.

"Not a 'retcon' ... Not a 'new universe.' Watch your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man battle his archfoe the Vulture for the very first time in this new, all ages, contemporary revisiting of Stan Lee and Steve Ditko's classic story. Marvel Age: Spider-Man introduces new and young readers to some of the greatest stories of the legendary Marvel Universe with dynamic brand new art and a modern flair."

She-Hulk #1: I love Dan Slott's writing, but this is going to be really, really bad. Really:

"SGF (Single Green Female) -- outgoing, physically fit, intelligent, great sense of humor. Enjoys clubbing, dishing with gal-pals, and saving the universe. Ready to put old issues behind and make a fresh start. Contact Jen W. at Avengers Mansion."

Captain America and the Falcon #1: I actually have high hopes for this one. It's a team-up title whose premise doesn't seem too forced.

Human Torch #11: Art by Howard Porter. When did Skottie Young stop drawing this one?

Inhumans #12: The end.

Daredevil #58: Jesus. It's Spider-Man. Enough already. (On the plus side, Dr. Strange and Mr. Fatnastic make a cameo.)

1602 #8: Something finally happens. Really.

Alpha Flight #1: The story title says it all: "You Gotta Be Kidding Me."

New X-Men #154: In which Grant Morrison leaves, and so do the readers.

Cable & Deadpool #1: Uhhhh ...